• I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
• Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
• The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
• Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
• There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
• Life is sexually transmitted.
• An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
• If quitters never win, and winners never quit, then who is the fool who said, "Quit while you're ahead?"
• Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
• The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
• Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
• Some people are like Slinkies. They're not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
• Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
• Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
• Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
• All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
• Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?
• In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
• Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
• How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
AND THE # 1 THOUGHT FOR THE DAY:
• You read about all these terrorists - most of them came here legally - but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10 -15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and those people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration.
